Friday, March 16, 2007

National Corndog Day In The Key Of So

So it is once again that time of year: Aircraft Insurance Premium Renewal Time.

So I get the envelope with the form to fill out, letting the company know HOW many hours in type, HOW many hours in this make and model, HOW many hours as Pilot In Command (to date, 473.8), WHEN my last Medical was (if you are over 40---ahem---you have to have an FAA approved physician poke and prod you every two years. Prior to 40 it is every three years. Discrimination!!!), WHEN my last Biennial Flight Review was (in order to maintain a pilot's license you have to fly with a Certified Flight Instructor at least once within a two year period to demonstrate proficiency in whatever ratings you may hold), and a bunch of other impertinent, totally unrelated busybody stuff like have you had any DUIs or had any aircraft crashes, etc.

So I open the envelope and pull out the cover letter. It is signed by my lovely and helpful insurance policy broker person, Kristin. Kristin. Right. You just did it too, didn't you? You parsed the name and then went and looked up the periodic table of elements symbol for tin. Didn't you? You didn't? Well, I did.

So I call Kristin and she is busy with another customer right now and would I like to leave my number and yes I would and so I do and what was your first name, and it's Gawpo, and what is your last name, and I'm like: Puh-shaw, lady---how many Gawpos can there possibly be, so I give it to her. And then I tell her my last name. (rimshot)

So Kristin calls me back and when the area code from THE BIG WILLAMETTE VALLEY flashes on my phone's amber display, I launch out in a sing-songy candence similar to Carey Grant but without the accent from 'Ull: KRIS-tin, KRIS-tin, KRIS-tin, KRISTIN! with a double crescendo on the first syllable of the last Kristin.

So in the course of our conversation I tell Kristin that she could from now on just sign all her correspondence, KrisSn, explaining that Sn is indeed the symbol for tin in the P.T.O.E. She is delighted to have this information, as you can well imagine.

So we chitchat and I ask her what she's planning for her weekend, this being Friday and all. And she goes on to inform me that what she is going to be doing for the weekend is a little thing called "The Triple Double." "The triple double?" "Yeah," she says, "You eat 10 corndogs, drink 10 beers and consume 100 Tater Tots." She went on to explain that tomorrow is not only St. Patrick's Day, but National Corndog Day. I did not know that. I was not aware of that. On a fluke I ask KrisSn what she is going to be doing on her weekend, and she tells me about something that could change my life. The Universe is like that, I have come to learn. You have to ask. Or just look. Or just pay attention. It's all there, people. And in plain view. That, right there, constitutes not only reasonable suspicion, but probable cause.

So this concept is no longer just something that legally permits the cops to kick your door in after seeing the plant in the window. No. It's OUR permission to take hold the horns of the bull that is the Universe.

So all this over the pretext of finding out how much I'm going to have to pay to insure my airplane? Yep. KrisSn makes sure I know that there is NO WAY she can put down a hundred Tater Tots. The beers and the dogs, no problem, but that many Tots? Not gonna do it. Not prudent at this juncture.

So when KrisSn mentions that you have 10 hours in which to accomplish the three feats included in "The Triple Double," I get excited. I rarely get excited. I am normally very mellow and sloth like. You can even ask Cindra. But here I get excited and blurt out: Oh My God! That means that if you consume the 10 beers at a rate of one per hour, you could legally drive home because alcohol metabolizes, on average, and in a healthy liver, at a rate of about .015% BAC per hour. (Tell 'em Brookie!) And I'm really excited here because this is a field of expertise and training and experience and stuff, so I continue: "UNLESS!," I go on to caveat and, just for good measure double up on that last word, "UNLESS! you are a woman. And it gets even worse if you are a premenstrual woman." (Watch it, Rusty Nails! Don't be shouting any 'Ah-Ha's 'I told you so's.) Did I punctuate that correctly?

So she goes, "Really? Unless you're a woman? And premenstrual?" And I'm like "Yeah," and she's all "whoa" and I'm like "totally" and she's all "get out!" and I'm all "true story." And we stopped there because this was a serious business call about insurance.

So I explain to KrisSn that there is an experiment that you can actually perform in the comfort and privacy of your own home. All you need is one average sized man and one average sized, hopefully premenstrual, woman. Then what you do is you hang them up by their wrists, probably over the tub in the bathroom or over plastic in the garage, and you cut a hole (same diameter) in each of their big toes. Doesn't matter which one, you just want to be sure that you make it both left toe or right toe for consistency. Then you drain out all the blood. NOW, and this is important, you pour precisely measured ounces of beer or denatured spirits into the buckets of drained blood. It does NOT matter which beer or denatured spirts you choose, but please people, just be sure you use the same kind for the experiment. Say you pour ten ounces of Grey Goose into the bucket with the man's blood. Okay, well you just pour the same carefully measured amount into the bucket with the woman's blood.

KrisSn quickly sees the logic. She too becomes excited and screams out the answer: "The bucket with the most blood will dissipate the alcohol, thus rendering a lower Blood Alcohol Concentration! Right?" Yes, KrisSn, you are right.

So after giving her the experiment, KrisSn says, "But ew. That was sorta gross because I had the visual." I commiserate, telling her that this one always makes me feel rather sick, too. But people, knowledge does come with a price, now doesn't it?

So does airplane insurance. This year's premium: $1,061. But that is for a full year. Not bad, I think. Not bad at all.

So after we hung up, I addressed the envelope with my information form inside:



















Courtesy of Diesel, here is a rotated version of the envelope. Thank you, Diesel!





35 Comments:

At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 7:14:00 PM PDT , Blogger Blue the Spa Girl said...

Yo, G. The visuals are fine. Really. But hey, I did train to be a nurse.
On the other hand, or toe, ahem...the insurance comes in at quite a reasonable rate, doesn't it? I mean, especially since after speaking with you directly on the phone, they didn't up your premiums on the spot, just INCASE.
LOL!
KrisSn must have a great sense of humour!
Or, humor. Not humorus. That would be the large bone above the big toe. Actually no, it is in the arm. I never completed my nursing degree by the way.
You guessed that, didn't you????

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 7:32:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

Blue TSG: Well, before you corrected it, I was wondering if you weren't just telling a little fibula.

Yes, she was laughing. We both were. Very nice person and helpful with all sorts of information.

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 7:37:00 PM PDT , Anonymous Brooke said...

Is it odd that I laughed at the visual instead of being grossed out? lol

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 7:44:00 PM PDT , Blogger Ps said...

LOL LOL LOL. My friend Tyler says that Gawpo can be humourous ALL the time in his blog posts which is very difficult to do.I'm mailing this post to Tyler.

And why didnt you rotate the photo (with the writing) around 90degree anti clockwise,before posting it?
I had to rotate my neck and upper body 90 degree clockwise to read it.
and oh yes--i forgot ot mention i do graphology--and that is a fine sample..except that i have to be in an really odd position to analyse it ;-)

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 8:27:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

BROOK: If you weren't in the biz of bodies and what oozes, yes, it would be odd. But under your circumstances, not. EW!!!!

PS: I am so happy you got a kick out of that, Ps.

And I DID rotate the photo in iPics, but it wont' accept it that way when I go to post it. Maybe Diesel can help (hint, hint).

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 8:38:00 PM PDT , Blogger lime said...

why am i only finding out about corndog day today. i mean we are having a blizzard and i can't get out to buy corn dogs? in 10 hours time i could do the corn dogs and the tater tots no problem. and as long as i can subsittue hard cider for the beer i am good to go. just don;t like beer, but i love me some hard cider.

and well shucks, we have a 16 year old who wants her driver's license and our car insurance is going to be more expensive than your airplane insurance! your fuel is also cheaper. dayum...maybe i should make her fly instead!

well happy post-pi-st-corndog's day!

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 9:03:00 PM PDT , Blogger Candace said...

Uh, I'm wondering how you check BAC when you pull someone over. I suspect it involves a shoewr curtain rod, piano wire, a sharp knife and some buckets.

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 9:06:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

LIME: Why, that is mighty kind-a-you, Ma'am. And I will just bet you can put them dawgs away with the best of 'em.

And as far as for that young filly of yers, well, just make sure she has a good instructor. That bein' you, of course.

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 9:21:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

CANDACIA: You snuck in there when I was siddelin' up Limers.

Okay, basically you are right. But the Oregon Supreme Court just ruled that we can no longer garrote someone with less than C# diameter piano wire. Something to do with the strong Vision Lobby we have here. Anyway, there's that and the shower curtain has to be opaque now to protect the littl'ns when they pass by along where the tests are being conducted. It's a messy job, Candace, but someone's garrote to do it.

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 10:40:00 PM PDT , Blogger Claire said...

And to think all this time I thought you just had to blow a little to find out your BAC...
I'm never drinking again...
gawpo, you scared me. ;)

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 11:14:00 PM PDT , Blogger Diesel said...

You're insane.

And the crick in my neck is my punishment for not replying to your email sooner.

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 11:19:00 PM PDT , Blogger Sean said...

obviously i need to start having more interesting phone conversations.

 
At Friday, March 16, 2007 at 11:25:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

CLAIRE: Nope. Not at all. That's just a ruse to get you to relax. Do NOT ask to use the bathroom if you are ever arrested for DUI.

DIESEL: Hey. It's just science. I don't write the law of phsyiogamy (?)

And yeah, I did rotate it prior to loading, but fut the wuck?

SEAN: Hello there! I have been thinking of you and was going to head on over to check things out. I need to start recording mine. I would call this one: "Tin, Tots 'n Toes." How's that?

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 6:58:00 AM PDT , Blogger ARM said...

I think that it is great that you talk to your insurance person like that. Or that your insurance person can have a sense of humor. Working in insurance, I find that's a rare quality.

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 8:57:00 AM PDT , Blogger goldennib said...

That's the best pick up conversation I've heard in a long time, you sweet talker, you.

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 9:18:00 AM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

ARM: Okay, totally dig the new avitar, as I've already pointed out where it lives. Now here. She was very fun.

NIBBY: Yes. But it could become a bit draining.

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 12:19:00 PM PDT , Blogger vicci said...

Gawpo.....I don't know bout corn dogs and tator tots!!!! The insurance is really pretty reasonable....I watched the You-TUBE this mornin...I like GL song!and the landing...I'm having fun with the air traffic controllers....(artist trading cards)...think I'll call them by your name! :-) Much more interesting!

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 12:23:00 PM PDT , Blogger Logophile said...

This is definitely an interesting converastion. So glad she didn't call the authorities on you.. oh wait...
Anyway, funneh Gawpo

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 12:28:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

VICCI: ATC stands for Artist Trading Cards??? Not Air Traffic Control??? Who'd a thunk it. Glad you like Gordon, too. More flying vids to come. It is overcast and gray, 46 degrees! I don't want to hear about it.....lol

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 12:31:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

LOGO: I was nonchalant about it, made it sound like I do it all the time. That way she thinks there's nothing wrong with it. If you act like it's a big deal, that's when they get suspicious.

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 1:15:00 PM PDT , Blogger bazza27 said...

It's a skill, to turn an ordinary discussion into an extraordinary one, some people have it, some don't. Kirstin will not forget her little chat with Gawpo for quite a while, I'll bet. Incidentally, speaking 'Ull is easy, you just don't pronounce any H's. I may do lessons on my blog soon.

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 1:29:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

BAZZA: So I should then say, "'ave a 'appy day mate"? and "they shoot 'orses, don't they?" and "'eaven can wait" and "I would like to purchase 'ull insurance for my aereoplane." (It is called hull insurance, BTW.)

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 4:59:00 PM PDT , Blogger LisaOceandreamer said...

I'm a big ole sissy! The idea of eating and drinking all that AND the visual of the "experiment"...well let's just say I have a VERY easy gag reflex.
Sounds like your reasonable insurance rate could have been the result of her liking what was probably the most unusual insurance call she's ever had. Let's hope she TOES the line and doesn't try that experiment.
XOXO

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 5:04:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

LISAOCEANDREAMER: Dang! I missed that one. You are really good at the pun. I doubt she'll try it. Too labor intensive. But it's a good point to remember. The actual experiment would have to be done on two people who weight exactly the same, but the female will have less volume and they don't realize that they will have a higher BAC compared to the man.

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 8:55:00 PM PDT , Anonymous Quilly said...

Your plane insurance costs less per year then my car insurance! And no, it isn't because I have a bad driving record -- it is because I live in this city of high crime and stolen cars!

I came by yesterday but blogger was being a brat and wouldn't allow my comment.

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 9:06:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

QUILLY: If only someone would have the courage to steal crime.

The coverage is pretty good for any injury or damage to property, too.

Blogger can be a brat. But you are a fighter!

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 9:46:00 PM PDT , Blogger Laurie said...

Scuse me while I pick myself up offa the floor...

 
At Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 9:48:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

LAURIE: Hey, it's an experiment. In science. And science can get ugly. lol

 
At Sunday, March 18, 2007 at 8:00:00 AM PDT , Blogger somewhere joe said...

Our Condo Association's insurance company is all too familiar with that experiment. In fact, they're experts.

 
At Sunday, March 18, 2007 at 8:04:00 AM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

SOMEWHERE JOE: Leave it to you. At least they don't want that pound of flesh to go with it. Count yourselves fortunate. It could be worse.

 
At Monday, March 19, 2007 at 5:04:00 PM PDT , Anonymous Anonymous said...

KrisSN here. I don't think I've ever been the subject of a blog like this. I probably won't forget my conversation with Gawpo for a long time, mostly because he wrote about it. FYI, I was only able to eat 2.5 corn dogs and about 20 tots, but don't worry, I think I drank 10 beers. Maybe less because I know I spilled at least one while playing beer pong (the beirut version).

 
At Monday, March 19, 2007 at 5:04:00 PM PDT , Anonymous Anonymous said...

KrisSN here. I don't think I've ever been the subject of a blog like this. I probably won't forget my conversation with Gawpo for a long time, mostly because he wrote about it. FYI, I was only able to eat 2.5 corn dogs and about 20 tots, but don't worry, I think I drank 10 beers. Maybe less because I know I spilled at least one while playing beer pong (the beirut version).

 
At Monday, March 19, 2007 at 7:20:00 PM PDT , Blogger Gawpo said...

KrisSn: Yer killin' me! You are a very good sport. And thank you from BlogLand for educating us to the notion of "National Corn Dog Day." I'm sure many of us will get into the spirit for next year's event. I know that I am going for 10 dogs. But I'll probably match your 20 tots. Beers? Well, maybe one or two. Now I have to go Google beer pong (the beirut version). Damn you! There is always more to learn.

 
At Sunday, August 21, 2016 at 7:11:00 PM PDT , Blogger ninest123 said...

michael kors outlet, north face, hogan, abercrombie and fitch, true religion outlet, mulberry, burberry outlet online, hollister, michael kors outlet, air force, kate spade handbags, true religion jeans, ugg boots, vanessa bruno, michael kors outlet, ray ban pas cher, true religion jeans, ralph lauren uk, oakley pas cher, coach outlet, sac guess, vans pas cher, replica handbags, michael kors, converse pas cher, tn pas cher, lacoste pas cher, north face, lululemon, true religion jeans, michael kors, burberry, nike air max, michael kors outlet, coach purses, coach outlet, timberland, nike air max, michael kors, ray ban uk, ugg boots, nike free run uk, nike blazer, nike roshe, nike air max, michael kors, new balance pas cher, michael kors outlet, hermes, hollister pas cher

 
At Sunday, August 21, 2016 at 7:13:00 PM PDT , Blogger ninest123 said...

ugg pas cher, moncler, moncler, canada goose, pandora charms, hollister, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, marc jacobs, thomas sabo, sac louis vuitton pas cher, doudoune canada goose, ugg boots uk, louis vuitton, canada goose, moncler, pandora charms, karen millen, canada goose outlet, moncler, bottes ugg, juicy couture outlet, replica watches, supra shoes, pandora jewelry, moncler outlet, montre pas cher, louis vuitton, swarovski crystal, canada goose outlet, swarovski, toms shoes, pandora jewelry, moncler, wedding dresses, canada goose, moncler, canada goose uk, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, links of london, louis vuitton, coach outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, juicy couture outlet

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home